As crazy as it is that I even have to say what I am about to say, I LOVE and ADORE my child more than words will ever say, but man, being a mom is HARD. To top it all off, us moms, make it even harder than it already is! Why? Why do we give ourselves the extra work? And no, I don't mean the extra laundry by changing them every time they get dirty, or the extra dishes we have to wash after cooking them a lovely balanced meal that they won't eat. I mean the soul-draining work of guilt, pressure, crazy high standards, picture perfect mom-life. Let me tell you how my day went:
One thing that I cannot complain about is Alice's night sleep. Since she was born she has been an amazing sleeper. I had to wake her up to be fed, and as soon as the pediatrician gave me the green light to let her sleep through the night, I did and she loves it. Twelve hours each night of uninterrupted sleep. Lately, because it's easier for me to work at night, I have been putting her down at 10:00pm. I know, I know, a little (a lot) late for a 15 month old, but that means she wakes up by 10:00am, which means I can work until 2:00-3:00am and still get enough sleep. Anyway, she was up by 10:00 am, got her ready, and by got her ready, I mean, "I fought" her to get clothes on, I "wrestled" her to brush her teeth, I chased her while doing her hair. And before I could even had a chance to brush my teeth, she had already pooped... Can't get worse right? Nope. Keep on reading.
Chopped some grapes while her egg boiled only to find her eating Cheetos out of the pantry that now she can open on her own and that I had forgotten to baby-proof. Served her breakfast only to have it dropped on the floor during an argument about her not wanting to eat unless she watched "Cocomelon". Well, that sounds bad enough? Nope. Keep on reading.
I wanted to get just a little work done before her nap time, but she desperately wanted to play, be on top of me, pull my finger and have me walk all over the house. Fine, no work, Alice. Let me pee? Nope. Fine. Let's nap. Nope. No nap. Fine. Let's go to swimming class.
For 10 minutes I had to listen to my child scream in the car seat since she was extremely tired, probably hungry too (all she had eaten at this point was 8 oz of milk) only to have her go to her swimming class in which she cries for another 10 minutes.
The highlight of my day was the 40 minute (!!) nap she took in her car seat in which I enjoyed a salad (in the car) while she napped because I didn't want to move her because once she would be up I'd have to deal with a child who hadn't nap properly, didn't feel like eating and didn't want to do anything else besides play with mom, while my to-do list was getting nowhere.
I was counting down the hours until I could put her to sleep. And even when I was looking forward to a little peace; the feeling of absolute guilt and the thought "I am the absolute worst mother ever wanting my child to go to sleep" was bigger, frustrating me even more than I had been all day.
As my sister and brother in law FaceTimed her to pray with her as they do every night I couldn't help but cry. Why can't I get some work done during the day? Why can't I pee alone? Why can't I brush my teeth without her doing some kind of mess? Why can't I be more patient with her? Why can't I be a better mom? I cried because I feel like a failure. I cried because I get frustrated at my 15 month old for being a 15 month old. I cried because I want time away from her. I cried because I don't know how to be a better mom.
While she drifted off, I had a little chat with myself. Yes, I am at that point in my life, and I asked myself: "What was so bad about today? What happened that made me collapse?" In Gru's words: LIGHTBULB!: I didn't play with Alice. I didn't learn with her. I didn't dedicate her a space in my day. I got so worried about everything that had to get done, I got so focused on everything that I wanted to do, everything that could be done so much faster if I wasn't a mom, everything extra that had to get done because I am a mom that I didn't give my daughter what I love to give her: my time.
As moms we are so good at getting cues from our children: when they are hungry, when they need to nap, when they are frustrated, when they need a change. Why is it so hard to pick up on cues from ourselves? What do I mean by this? Well, in my case, I noticed that every time I don't give Alice my time I end up a crying mess by bed time. Don't ask me what causes it, it just does.
There is a phrase I love: "Find out what makes you happy, and do more of it". So that's what I am doing. Tonight, after I washed my face from so much crying and I put my baby to sleep I kissed her and decided I was going to do exactly that. More of what makes me happy. I did all my work for tonight and tomorrow. There is always something to do so I gave that list a priority, so that tomorrow morning, I get my baby ready ( however long that takes) and then I shall take her to the park. Enjoy the fact that Texas is no longer on 100+ degree weather and enjoy breakfast al fresco. I am going to watch my baby run, laugh and explore. I am going to remind myself of the good when the bad happens. I am going to remind myself of the yummy kisses she gives whenever she throws her food to the floor. I am going to remind myself of her morning cuddles when she gets mad because I teach her to share. I am going to remind myself of her voice saying "te amo" whenever she throws a fit because we have to come home. I am going to remind myself that tomorrow is not granted so I better take advantage of it today.
I guess all I am trying to say, fellow mammas, is: It's okay to feel all the feelings, whatever they may be. Catch on your own cues. Catch the little moments, places, things that make you happy and do it! After all, we cannot raise or love our little ones unless we are happy ourselves. And remember: feeling frustrated, guilty, pressured is allowed. You're still a great mom. You're just human. And the best part: those little ones will love us no matter what.
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